This is the part where we all break down

Ooooooooo k. Year one needs to be over now. Can I get an a-men from any fellow 1st years?? I mean, no one is dying, or bleeding, or having legitimate mental breakdowns or anything but. . . we might maybe be teetering on the edge of those things and no one wants to see anyone fall of that cliff. I think this is what they call burnout. And I’m also pretty sure that our near-the-end-of-2nd year (and 4th year, and all of residency) selves will look back on this one day and laugh at how cute it was to think that we knew anything about burnout. But that’s ok. Baby steps. I keep thinking back to college (uh, I just barely, just now realized that I have been done with college just as long as I was in college and that just felt weird) and how finals week in the 3rd week of April always felt like it was really pushing the limits on my sanity and how by the end of it I felt like if I had to so much as read the back of a cereal box before September it would be just too much. So ten points to Tanner for trekking on through all these endless months of studying. His school year is 11 MONTHS long, so we have 3 more weeks to go! We’re all feeling it. Camryn keeps sighing and saying “I’m falling apart”, and she didn’t come up with that one on her own folks!

The unit right after spring break was pathology and it was anything but an “ease back into things slowly” unit. It basically involved countless slides of, well, diseased body parts, and I kind of felt like I was married to someone with some sort of sick and twisted pornography problem. Many times, I walked my unsuspecting self into a room to find some disturbing and graphic image on the screen. And many more times, Tanner would hurry and close a window saying “you definitely don’t want to see that!” IMG_2172
Guys, I’m talking gross stuff here–there’s your average run of the mill tumors, organ abnormalities, etc, but there’s also eyeballs growing hair, infected fingernails, rotting penises. One night, the first thing Tanner said when he sat down to eat dinner with us was, “I might die if I have to look at one more butt fistula.” I don’t even know what that means but I am feeling pretty great about my English major right now.

So ya, I definitely have multiple videos on my phone right now of Tanner asleep on the couch mid study session, open mouthed and snoring, with about 20 times more hair on his face and head than his average day at BYU. I’ve learned to speak slowly and clearly as we near the end of the day and to use only simple words and short sentences. One night I was reading an article and laughed out loud at a funny part. He asked me what I was laughing at, so I read him a few sentences from the article. It went totally over his head the first time, after the second time he said “wait what, so you mean. . . <insert confused gaze>”, and the third time I read it so slowly and explained it so thoroughly that the joke was dead. Dead as a doornail.

Don’t worry though. We’re fine. We have plane tickets in hand for our trip home to Utah in July and we are sooooo so so excited for a break and family, swimming, camping and free babysitters as far as the eye can see. And I hear second year is a breeze. Oh wait, no, actually I hear 2nd year is the worst thing ever and that boards suck your soul. But I’m just going to stick my head in the sand and pretend that they’re saying it’s a breeze.

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5 thoughts on “This is the part where we all break down

  1. Christie says:

    Ok. Can I just tell you how happy I am that you blog regularly? It makes me feel like I will still know what’s going on in your life after I move. (And after our text session right before bed last night I totally had nightmares about being homeless in Florida!)

    We totally need to hang out! When do you leave in July? Isaac has been super sick almost the entire time we’ve been back here, but as soon as he’s better lets distract each other from our pain!

    And actually 2nd year has been way easier! (On me, not Q). I think I’m the only 2nd year that will say that, but really you are just more used to the grind, you’ve forgotten how great life was before med school, you have friends and outlets now you had to figure out during first year, so really don’t fear. With everything you had going on during 1st year, 2nd year really will be a breeze!

    I miss you! Let’s do something!

  2. Ashley says:

    Oh my gosh!! Worst fears confirmed!! Just kidding. I think the burnout is very real. My only comfort right now is that I’ll get to see my husband for lunch in AZ. Currently I only see him three hours a day, if that. However, I’m sure there will be many similarities between the first year schedule and the current schedule we have now. You are frankly amazing for surviving with two kids first year!! I could never do that. I’m thinking our next baby is going to come after second year is over with LOL.

    • Ashley, the last few weeks have been rough, but as a whole I would honestly say that tanners schedule this year has been lighter hours-wise than it was the last couple years at byu. Then he would come home from class and go straight to work until late at night, but now he studies at home a lot, takes breaks with is, and can almost always eat dinner with us. I wouldn’t expect Med school to be worse than your husbands schedule now!

  3. Jana says:

    Thank you for the laugh! I totally feel the same! I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve had to veer another way as Matt tries to answer the question “how’s med school going? what are you guys learning about?” I’ve stopped asking him lately as well. I haven’t seen you….or anyone…in forever! I think we’re all just worried about crawling to the finish line at this point….oops…make that the first lap😊.

    • Next time around, I’m going to know to plan some trips home or visitors or just a million outings during the last month of school! We’ve been sick the last few days, but we should definitely hang out and plan some play groups so we don’t all go crazy these last couple weeks

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