This New Soul

Isn’t motherhood so many wonderful and terrible things? I’m just over here caught in the craziest of postpartum whirlwinds, getting hit by lots of both wonderful and terrible every day. Drew’s kill me dead smile, camryn’s excitement over Christmas, the joy of cuddling a newborn close to 24-7–all just mixed in with the bleeding nipples, sleep deprivation, and come-and-go baby blues. Some days I sit back thinking I have just got it ALL and more, how did I luck out so much in life? Look at my beautiful family! And other days I just wonder how I am going to survive the seemingly impossible hurdle that is 2015? How?

There have been so many thoughts that never made it to print (something about the lack of time to so much as shower or change camryn’s clothes every three days makes it hard to justify blogging) and I’ve been thinking about how so many of my readers are either pregnant with their second or trying or considering, and. . . Maybe you ladies should just steer clear of my blog for a while? I wouldn’t want to freak you out and/or prematurely stunt the growth of your family, but. . . this is HARD. The last 8 weeks have been some of the hardest of my life. But maybe on the other hand you’ll appreciate the solidarity when it’s hard for you too and you’re staring at Taza’s blog wondering what’s wrong with you. (Let it be known that I named my baby Conrad first!)

Even though it’s been really tough and I’m a little bit terrified for Tanner to start school again on Monday, I love this little man with all my heart. My joy runneth over, my heart is full, I’m going to explode, and nothing in all the world is so precious as this little boy in my arms kind of love. I love him.

Maybe someday I’ll get around to typing out his birth story and all those days in between–the days where a hundred women that I am eternally grateful for brought me dinner and helped with Camryn and encouraged me when breastfeeding was a nightmare. That time I was left alone with both children for the first time and they were both screaming for me at once and it felt like my world was ending. Those grilled cheese sandwiches that I made the first day we didn’t have someone bringing us dinner. . . the ones that took me 3 hours start to finish. Our first Christmas as a family of 4 in Kansas City. This croup of camryns that is having me vowing that Drew won’t go out in public til april. All those things. Wonderful and terrible. For now, I’m just trying as hard as I can to enjoy every second of this beautiful new little soul that I get to call mine.

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8 thoughts on “This New Soul

  1. Lauren M says:

    It gets better, it gets better! Oh man, I wish I could give you a huge hug, and a digital fist shake to taza. Thank you for this post, it is hard to admit how hard it is because of the exact reasons you bring up.

    But know you are not alone, and from someone 8 months in, it gets better, and the heart stopping, joy exploding, overwhelming moments of gratitude become less volatile feeling and more quiet, gentle and glorious. You are amazing and enough.

    • Thank you Lauren! it already is getting better. And for some reason, admitting things are hard or asking for help when I need it has never really been hard for me. Some women have problems with this apparently?

  2. Alison says:

    Oh, you’re doing awesome! I’ve sorta kinda learned that it’s okay if both children are screaming at you at the same time. They will live. Although, I think it will always make me a tiny bit frazzled on some level. If it makes you feel any better, we didn’t bathe our boys for 10 days…until grandma finally broke the streak today and bathed them while we were cleaning up squirrel poop. Hang in there! May 2015 be a great year for you.

    • wow. . .10 days huh? that’s a stretch sister! but I always have been confused when people say a bath is part of their bedtime routine, because a bath every day? that sounds like a lot of work! and ya, I’ve learned pretty fast that mom guilt will make me crazy if i feel guilty everytime both kids need me at once!

  3. Jana says:

    Dana! Oh, I feel for you! I know those feelings and wish I could have helped more! We were sick almost all of December…no fun. And like the others, it does get better! Just like it did after the first. He is SUCH a cute baby boy! Congrats to you! If you are ever having one of those moments where you feel like you’re going to explode, give me a call. I can take Camryn to the park or she can come and play and give you a breather!

    • it gets better seems to be the common thread here! Thank you so much. sorry you were sick all month 😦 it feels really weird to go from so many playdates and activites to–nothing. all day every day hanging around home. I feel like we’re all just going to have a spring reunion!

  4. Drew is such a handsome man. He looks so much like his sister! When she gets better let us know and we will come over and take some photos! I can’t wait to hear more specifics about his birth story. I’m happy to see Tanner allowed you a few moments to blog this break. Let me know how I can help once school starts! Oh and feel free to be honest with me about how having #2 sucks the big one! We’ve decided to wait until we move to try for #2. We just need a little more time and a little more Xanax before we will be ready for thank. Xo

    • thanks Christie! hopefully there will be a day this winter when all of our children are well on the same day. if not, see you in april. And if you ask me that is a wise choice. I’m so glad my kids are a little bitter further apart!

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