This New Soul

Isn’t motherhood so many wonderful and terrible things? I’m just over here caught in the craziest of postpartum whirlwinds, getting hit by lots of both wonderful and terrible every day. Drew’s kill me dead smile, camryn’s excitement over Christmas, the joy of cuddling a newborn close to 24-7–all just mixed in with the bleeding nipples, sleep deprivation, and come-and-go baby blues. Some days I sit back thinking I have just got it ALL and more, how did I luck out so much in life? Look at my beautiful family! And other days I just wonder how I am going to survive the seemingly impossible hurdle that is 2015? How?

There have been so many thoughts that never made it to print (something about the lack of time to so much as shower or change camryn’s clothes every three days makes it hard to justify blogging) and I’ve been thinking about how so many of my readers are either pregnant with their second or trying or considering, and. . . Maybe you ladies should just steer clear of my blog for a while? I wouldn’t want to freak you out and/or prematurely stunt the growth of your family, but. . . this is HARD. The last 8 weeks have been some of the hardest of my life. But maybe on the other hand you’ll appreciate the solidarity when it’s hard for you too and you’re staring at Taza’s blog wondering what’s wrong with you. (Let it be known that I named my baby Conrad first!)

Even though it’s been really tough and I’m a little bit terrified for Tanner to start school again on Monday, I love this little man with all my heart. My joy runneth over, my heart is full, I’m going to explode, and nothing in all the world is so precious as this little boy in my arms kind of love. I love him.

Maybe someday I’ll get around to typing out his birth story and all those days in between–the days where a hundred women that I am eternally grateful for brought me dinner and helped with Camryn and encouraged me when breastfeeding was a nightmare. That time I was left alone with both children for the first time and they were both screaming for me at once and it felt like my world was ending. Those grilled cheese sandwiches that I made the first day we didn’t have someone bringing us dinner. . . the ones that took me 3 hours start to finish. Our first Christmas as a family of 4 in Kansas City. This croup of camryns that is having me vowing that Drew won’t go out in public til april. All those things. Wonderful and terrible. For now, I’m just trying as hard as I can to enjoy every second of this beautiful new little soul that I get to call mine.

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